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Good afternoon everyone, my name is Paul Schlaff, Doug was my brother, and I want to thank you all for coming today. It has been a difficult time for everyone who loves Doug. I was telling my six year old son, Brett, how I hoped I could come up here today and tell all the people about his Uncle Doug and not fall apart. He thought for a second and said, “Just wrap yourself in tape dad, and you won’t fall apart.” (Show finger wrapped in tape)
Once I started putting ideas down on paper, I soon learned that writing Doug’s eulogy was like taking candy from a baby…the easiest writing I have ever done. A eulogy is a speech of praise about the deceased. Not too difficult in this case.
But first, as a representative of Doug’s family we want to thank two communities that have been a tremendous support to Doug and his family; A big “Thank you” to the Manistee community, Manistee United Methodist Church, and Manistee Public Schools, which supported Doug with their thoughts, prayers and gifts during his long illness. Your thoughtfulness in believing in Doug and your support of him through the school system in particular was a great comfort to Doug and his family. They will now need your attention as they go on without Doug and we have every assurance your care will continue.
We want to also thank the communities of Montague and Whitehall where Doug grew up and who also were unwavering in their support of Doug and his family. The importance of support from so many organizations and individuals can never be repaid but can be passed on to those who will need our support in the future.
Today we are gathered here to remember and celebrate the life of Doug.
People liked being around Doug. When he walked into a room everyone was happy to see him, not because he had the best jokes or was the funniest guy (though he was pretty darn funny) but because he was interested in them. Over the years any number of people have told us that Doug might be the nicest person they have ever met. Doug did not necessarily achieve extraordinary things, in fact, he was rather an ordinary person in many ways. But the personality characteristics Doug portrayed were extraordinary, and it is through these characteristics that I would like to reflect on him today.
The first word that comes to mind when I think of Doug is fun. Being Doug’s brother, I would not even want to guess at the number of games and competitions that he and I engaged in over our lives. Sure, you all probably recognize that Doug loved sports and was an excellent basketball player, but he could turn anything into a game or competition. As a chubby toddler, Doug would often disappear into the bedroom and come out with a board game box (and too often that game was Uncle Wiggly, the game that was most despised by everyone else in the house) and waddle in and say, “Who can play this game with me?” As we grew older, he would invent games, from the pants-ruining “basketball fight” to finding out who could make it from the top of the 120 foot cliff at my parents’ Lake Michigan home to the water in the fewest jumps. Even as adults I recall sitting in my living room about six years ago with Doug and our friend Scott Lindquist, and Doug picked up the severed head of a stuffed animal and noticed that there was a ceiling fan in the room. He started tossing the head up toward the fan, trying to make the head land on one of the ceiling fan blades. We couldn’t resist, started taking turns, and the highly competitive game of “Stay” was born. To my wife’s exasperation, we played for about three hours that night. Anything could be turned into a game. One day at my parents’ house the boys were all riding their bikes on the basketball court, so it was tough to shoot baskets, so he decided to take a nerf football and stand about 30 yards off the court and try to make a basket with it. Soon, that became a game, complete with scoring and rules. Again, I wouldn’t even want to guess how many of these games Doug invented. But one thing is for certain, he loved to play. Thanksgiving in the Schlaff house was another example. My mom would be up at 5 a.m. putting a turkey in the oven, working for the next seven hours to prepare a great meal. We would get to the table, eat the meal in 5 minutes, clean the dishes in 5 more minutes, and be outside playing something before Polly and Regina were halfway through their meals. Oh, and while we are on the topic, Doug created the “pre and post Thanksgiving meal weigh in” where he would go to the scale, weigh himself before the meal, want the rest of us to do the same, and then weigh in after the meal to see how much weight we gained. He made everything fun. By the way, the champion was always Randy Lindquist, who joined in on the fun one year, with a seven pound weight gain, but of course, Doug accused him of drinking too much water. Doug could be a little sly, too. Last July, after the experimental drug that was tried on Doug’s cancer at University Hospital in Ann Arbor had failed, his doctor for the study came in to his hospital room one evening to give him the bad news. He offered Doug and Polly a couple of options, one of which was to go home and call Hospice. That was truly a low moment for them. After grieving for several minutes, they decided to return to his oncologist at Beaumont in Detroit. After making that decision that evening, Doug said to Polly, “What do you think we should do?” Polly said, “What do you mean, what do you want to do?” He said, “Well, what do you want to do?” So Polly said, “What are our options?” Doug answered, “We could play cards or do a crossword puzzle.”
Another word used to describe Doug was smooth. As an athlete, this word described Doug well, as he was graceful and quick. But smooth describes his personality and the way things went when he was around. I have heard teachers and administrators at Manistee fondly talk about Doug and how when he was there, everything just seemed to work better. He took the time to objectively listen to all and make everyone feel important. He paid attention to the details of a situation and helped to resolve conflicts. He had a gift of being able to see a situation for what it was and to make a decision or judgment without hurting people. It was a great talent, and one that served him well in his job and his personal life.
The next word is appreciative. Growing up, our parents taught us that manners were free, and that the difference between having good manners and having bad manners is just a minor inconvenience (like holding a door open for someone). Doug appreciated all those around him, and was diligent in letting them know it. No matter how he felt or what pain he was experiencing (and it was often substantial) he always remembered to thank the nurse or aide for taking his blood or vitals. I clearly recall one time in the hospital where a nurse was trying to put a feeding tube down his nose and into his stomach, and she was having a difficult time because his nose was slightly crooked. The process is a very uncomfortable experience, and she had to try 5 or 6 times before she finally had to quit and recommend something different to the doctor. The nurse was obviously flustered and frustrated about not being able to get the tube in, as Doug’s eyes were watering and nose hurting. And as she left the room, he said to her, sincerely, “Thanks for trying” because he could see that she was frustrated with herself. Doug never missed his “responsibility” of being polite or thoughtful. And I know one thing that was important to him was that his sons grow up to be thoughtful, well-mannered, polite men someday.
The next word that makes me think of Doug is the word fair. Doug treated people fairly and without prejudice. He was able to look past someone’s exterior and see them for the person inside. Even as a child Doug had this rare capacity to be aware of others and their needs. Jane Hanna, Doug’s 3rd grade teacher, once told us she wanted Doug to marry her daughter Katie. When Katie was in 1st grade Jane saw some kids giving Katie a hard time in the hallway about eating some crackers, because you weren’t supposed to eat food in the halls at school. Right away Doug told them to leave Katie alone because she had Diabetes and needed a snack. You might be wondering what a person who was stricken with a disease through no fault of his own might think about fairness. He shared an interesting insight about fairness while on one of his many trips to Detroit for his chemotherapy. These trips allowed for many good discussions and time to talk about the important stuff. When our Dad asked him if he thought it was unfair that he got cancer, he thought for a moment and said he didn’t think it was unfair. It was just unlucky. He then said he thought it was unfair to the boys.
The word quiet typifies Doug in many ways as well. Even though Doug was a physically gifted athlete, you would never hear him boast or brag. I’m sure many of you in Manistee probably don’t realize that he and his friend Eric Webb are the two winningest players in Montague basketball history. That he quietly won 6 championships there as a player. That when he was at Hope College he was a starter on a team that went 26-0 in the regular season and still holds that school record. You folks from Montague might not know that Doug coached the varsity basketball team here in Manistee and won a few district and conference championships. Because he was quiet about it. He always deflected any glory or fame to other people. Doug was quiet through his sickness, but also inspiring at the same time. The way he handled himself through all the rough stuff, through the chemo and the obstructions was so inspiring to all of us who witnessed it. Doug was quiet about his faith as well. His faith in God was strong through this entire process, and when he was asked about it he spoke freely about his belief that he would someday be pain free and in heaven. Doug did not evangelize to other people about his faith because he would worry that it might alienate others or make other people feel uncomfortable, and that was not how he operated in any facet of his life. Instead, Doug chose to live a Christian lifestyle and his actions spoke for his faith every day.
Devoted also typifies Doug in many ways. In fact, it describes the relationship between Polly and Doug. I often heard Polly jokingly remark to Doug in his last couple of years, “You’re a lot of trouble, but you’re worth it.” I think this statement represents how we all should work with our spouses, that we all are trouble to each other, but we need to keep in mind that the person we have chosen is worth the trouble. They had a fantastic marriage, a true partnership, and all those who were close enough to them to witness this were truly fortunate. They both felt like they were the luckiest person in the world because they were chosen by the other. Many couples start this way, but Doug and Polly lived this way each and every day. And Doug’s devotion was not only to Polly but to the boys as well. He was always putting their needs before the things that he might want. He had about two years straight after his premature twins were born where he never slept more than two hours at a time, but he never complained about it. His sense of perspective was what made him able to be so devoted, and why people liked being around him so much. He was always able to cut through the garbage and get to the root of things, and that made him a great husband and father who wouldn’t get caught up in the little unimportant details that many of us get stuck in with our relationships. He knew when to back off or to make Polly laugh with a witty remark or a goofy look on his face. Together they were a model for many of us of how to make a marriage and family work.
The word brave is yet another word that describes Doug. The greatest personal example I have of this is all throughout his sickness for the past two and a half years, I personally would feel a myriad of emotions. Sometimes I would be sad, sometimes angry, sometimes depressed. When that happened, my wife, Regina, would recognize what was happening before I would and tell me, “You need to go see Doug.” Strange, isn’t it, that he was the one with the sickness, yet he was the one who was able to comfort me? But every hurdle that got in his way throughout the entire ordeal he met with grace and aggressiveness. If he got bad news, he would take it in, work through the emotions, ask what the next step will be, and then attack it with everything he had. When people would ask him why he thought this was happening, he would often answer with, “It is what it is,” which let us know that why it was happening didn’t concern him much because there was nothing he could do about the why. Doug didn’t question the hand he was given, but he had the courage to play that hand to the best of his ability.
The last word I will use today to describe Doug is loving. Doug seemed to love everything he did but the greatest love he had was for his family. You could just feel how much Doug and Polly loved each other. What a great pair. And their love shone its brightest as they walked Doug’s road of illness. How Polly did all she did is hard to comprehend even though we watched her do it. She cared for Doug and their boys with enormous patience and energy. When Doug needed something, Polly was there. When he needed to be pushed Polly was there. And Polly went through this not missing a beat with their 3 boys (who are full of life and run around like bugs on a hot rock, to quote Coach Tate), never failing to meet their needs. My parents and I have loved Polly for a long time but our respect and admiration of her has grown further than we ever imagined it could. She has been a perfect partner to Doug and an outstanding parent in the most difficult circumstances. And according to my parents, Polly’s most amazing and heroic feat during Doug’s illness was putting up with living with her in-laws for so many months over the past 2 ½ years. Of course, Polly would be the first to say that she couldn’t have done it without their support.
Speaking of the boys, Doug’s illness had been going on for so long that Drew, Grant and Ben hardly remember their dad not being sick. Although Doug did a great job of “being himself” for the boys there will be much about Doug they won’t experience. We would like you to help them know their dad. Katie Couric asked at her husband’s funeral if people would write a letter to their 3- and 6-year-old daughters with stories about their dad. Not necessarily some monumental things about their dad, but a personal story that would “tell” the kids something. She then kept the letters for 10 years and when the kids were old enough they sat down and read them. You didn’t think we could have a meeting like this with a bunch of educators here and not have a homework assignment, did you? So your assignment is this: If you have a memory or experience with Doug, would you please write it down and send it to the boys so when they get to the age of understanding…maybe ten years from now, Polly can share the letters and stories with the boys so they can have a sense of who their dad was and what people thought of him? We have envelopes and paper and request that you share this with the boys, and the due date is December 31, so don’t procrastinate, we don’t want to have to give detentions.
In closing, Polly wanted me to be sure that you all understand how overwhelming the support from you all has been, and how much she has appreciated it. And she told me that she doesn’t want us to forget him or not talk about him. Her words are “Please, please help us to remember Doug. I want to talk about him, and I want my boys to talk about him. Don’t worry that you’ll make us sad. Don’t worry that you’ll say the wrong thing. We want to remember him because the joy of knowing him far outweighs the pain of losing him.” I believe that Doug would want us today to perhaps miss him a little bit, but to take something positive from our experiences with him, have fond memories, and to choose to live our lives as fun, appreciative, fair, devoted, brave, and loving human beings. He would want us to take care of each other, and for all of us to be sure that we look after his family. So let’s honor him by not remembering him as “Doug the cancer patient,” but as “Doug the husband, father, brother, son, uncle, teacher, counselor, coach, colleague, and friend.”
Thank you.
Once I started putting ideas down on paper, I soon learned that writing Doug’s eulogy was like taking candy from a baby…the easiest writing I have ever done. A eulogy is a speech of praise about the deceased. Not too difficult in this case.
But first, as a representative of Doug’s family we want to thank two communities that have been a tremendous support to Doug and his family; A big “Thank you” to the Manistee community, Manistee United Methodist Church, and Manistee Public Schools, which supported Doug with their thoughts, prayers and gifts during his long illness. Your thoughtfulness in believing in Doug and your support of him through the school system in particular was a great comfort to Doug and his family. They will now need your attention as they go on without Doug and we have every assurance your care will continue.
We want to also thank the communities of Montague and Whitehall where Doug grew up and who also were unwavering in their support of Doug and his family. The importance of support from so many organizations and individuals can never be repaid but can be passed on to those who will need our support in the future.
Today we are gathered here to remember and celebrate the life of Doug.
People liked being around Doug. When he walked into a room everyone was happy to see him, not because he had the best jokes or was the funniest guy (though he was pretty darn funny) but because he was interested in them. Over the years any number of people have told us that Doug might be the nicest person they have ever met. Doug did not necessarily achieve extraordinary things, in fact, he was rather an ordinary person in many ways. But the personality characteristics Doug portrayed were extraordinary, and it is through these characteristics that I would like to reflect on him today.
The first word that comes to mind when I think of Doug is fun. Being Doug’s brother, I would not even want to guess at the number of games and competitions that he and I engaged in over our lives. Sure, you all probably recognize that Doug loved sports and was an excellent basketball player, but he could turn anything into a game or competition. As a chubby toddler, Doug would often disappear into the bedroom and come out with a board game box (and too often that game was Uncle Wiggly, the game that was most despised by everyone else in the house) and waddle in and say, “Who can play this game with me?” As we grew older, he would invent games, from the pants-ruining “basketball fight” to finding out who could make it from the top of the 120 foot cliff at my parents’ Lake Michigan home to the water in the fewest jumps. Even as adults I recall sitting in my living room about six years ago with Doug and our friend Scott Lindquist, and Doug picked up the severed head of a stuffed animal and noticed that there was a ceiling fan in the room. He started tossing the head up toward the fan, trying to make the head land on one of the ceiling fan blades. We couldn’t resist, started taking turns, and the highly competitive game of “Stay” was born. To my wife’s exasperation, we played for about three hours that night. Anything could be turned into a game. One day at my parents’ house the boys were all riding their bikes on the basketball court, so it was tough to shoot baskets, so he decided to take a nerf football and stand about 30 yards off the court and try to make a basket with it. Soon, that became a game, complete with scoring and rules. Again, I wouldn’t even want to guess how many of these games Doug invented. But one thing is for certain, he loved to play. Thanksgiving in the Schlaff house was another example. My mom would be up at 5 a.m. putting a turkey in the oven, working for the next seven hours to prepare a great meal. We would get to the table, eat the meal in 5 minutes, clean the dishes in 5 more minutes, and be outside playing something before Polly and Regina were halfway through their meals. Oh, and while we are on the topic, Doug created the “pre and post Thanksgiving meal weigh in” where he would go to the scale, weigh himself before the meal, want the rest of us to do the same, and then weigh in after the meal to see how much weight we gained. He made everything fun. By the way, the champion was always Randy Lindquist, who joined in on the fun one year, with a seven pound weight gain, but of course, Doug accused him of drinking too much water. Doug could be a little sly, too. Last July, after the experimental drug that was tried on Doug’s cancer at University Hospital in Ann Arbor had failed, his doctor for the study came in to his hospital room one evening to give him the bad news. He offered Doug and Polly a couple of options, one of which was to go home and call Hospice. That was truly a low moment for them. After grieving for several minutes, they decided to return to his oncologist at Beaumont in Detroit. After making that decision that evening, Doug said to Polly, “What do you think we should do?” Polly said, “What do you mean, what do you want to do?” He said, “Well, what do you want to do?” So Polly said, “What are our options?” Doug answered, “We could play cards or do a crossword puzzle.”
Another word used to describe Doug was smooth. As an athlete, this word described Doug well, as he was graceful and quick. But smooth describes his personality and the way things went when he was around. I have heard teachers and administrators at Manistee fondly talk about Doug and how when he was there, everything just seemed to work better. He took the time to objectively listen to all and make everyone feel important. He paid attention to the details of a situation and helped to resolve conflicts. He had a gift of being able to see a situation for what it was and to make a decision or judgment without hurting people. It was a great talent, and one that served him well in his job and his personal life.
The next word is appreciative. Growing up, our parents taught us that manners were free, and that the difference between having good manners and having bad manners is just a minor inconvenience (like holding a door open for someone). Doug appreciated all those around him, and was diligent in letting them know it. No matter how he felt or what pain he was experiencing (and it was often substantial) he always remembered to thank the nurse or aide for taking his blood or vitals. I clearly recall one time in the hospital where a nurse was trying to put a feeding tube down his nose and into his stomach, and she was having a difficult time because his nose was slightly crooked. The process is a very uncomfortable experience, and she had to try 5 or 6 times before she finally had to quit and recommend something different to the doctor. The nurse was obviously flustered and frustrated about not being able to get the tube in, as Doug’s eyes were watering and nose hurting. And as she left the room, he said to her, sincerely, “Thanks for trying” because he could see that she was frustrated with herself. Doug never missed his “responsibility” of being polite or thoughtful. And I know one thing that was important to him was that his sons grow up to be thoughtful, well-mannered, polite men someday.
The next word that makes me think of Doug is the word fair. Doug treated people fairly and without prejudice. He was able to look past someone’s exterior and see them for the person inside. Even as a child Doug had this rare capacity to be aware of others and their needs. Jane Hanna, Doug’s 3rd grade teacher, once told us she wanted Doug to marry her daughter Katie. When Katie was in 1st grade Jane saw some kids giving Katie a hard time in the hallway about eating some crackers, because you weren’t supposed to eat food in the halls at school. Right away Doug told them to leave Katie alone because she had Diabetes and needed a snack. You might be wondering what a person who was stricken with a disease through no fault of his own might think about fairness. He shared an interesting insight about fairness while on one of his many trips to Detroit for his chemotherapy. These trips allowed for many good discussions and time to talk about the important stuff. When our Dad asked him if he thought it was unfair that he got cancer, he thought for a moment and said he didn’t think it was unfair. It was just unlucky. He then said he thought it was unfair to the boys.
The word quiet typifies Doug in many ways as well. Even though Doug was a physically gifted athlete, you would never hear him boast or brag. I’m sure many of you in Manistee probably don’t realize that he and his friend Eric Webb are the two winningest players in Montague basketball history. That he quietly won 6 championships there as a player. That when he was at Hope College he was a starter on a team that went 26-0 in the regular season and still holds that school record. You folks from Montague might not know that Doug coached the varsity basketball team here in Manistee and won a few district and conference championships. Because he was quiet about it. He always deflected any glory or fame to other people. Doug was quiet through his sickness, but also inspiring at the same time. The way he handled himself through all the rough stuff, through the chemo and the obstructions was so inspiring to all of us who witnessed it. Doug was quiet about his faith as well. His faith in God was strong through this entire process, and when he was asked about it he spoke freely about his belief that he would someday be pain free and in heaven. Doug did not evangelize to other people about his faith because he would worry that it might alienate others or make other people feel uncomfortable, and that was not how he operated in any facet of his life. Instead, Doug chose to live a Christian lifestyle and his actions spoke for his faith every day.
Devoted also typifies Doug in many ways. In fact, it describes the relationship between Polly and Doug. I often heard Polly jokingly remark to Doug in his last couple of years, “You’re a lot of trouble, but you’re worth it.” I think this statement represents how we all should work with our spouses, that we all are trouble to each other, but we need to keep in mind that the person we have chosen is worth the trouble. They had a fantastic marriage, a true partnership, and all those who were close enough to them to witness this were truly fortunate. They both felt like they were the luckiest person in the world because they were chosen by the other. Many couples start this way, but Doug and Polly lived this way each and every day. And Doug’s devotion was not only to Polly but to the boys as well. He was always putting their needs before the things that he might want. He had about two years straight after his premature twins were born where he never slept more than two hours at a time, but he never complained about it. His sense of perspective was what made him able to be so devoted, and why people liked being around him so much. He was always able to cut through the garbage and get to the root of things, and that made him a great husband and father who wouldn’t get caught up in the little unimportant details that many of us get stuck in with our relationships. He knew when to back off or to make Polly laugh with a witty remark or a goofy look on his face. Together they were a model for many of us of how to make a marriage and family work.
The word brave is yet another word that describes Doug. The greatest personal example I have of this is all throughout his sickness for the past two and a half years, I personally would feel a myriad of emotions. Sometimes I would be sad, sometimes angry, sometimes depressed. When that happened, my wife, Regina, would recognize what was happening before I would and tell me, “You need to go see Doug.” Strange, isn’t it, that he was the one with the sickness, yet he was the one who was able to comfort me? But every hurdle that got in his way throughout the entire ordeal he met with grace and aggressiveness. If he got bad news, he would take it in, work through the emotions, ask what the next step will be, and then attack it with everything he had. When people would ask him why he thought this was happening, he would often answer with, “It is what it is,” which let us know that why it was happening didn’t concern him much because there was nothing he could do about the why. Doug didn’t question the hand he was given, but he had the courage to play that hand to the best of his ability.
The last word I will use today to describe Doug is loving. Doug seemed to love everything he did but the greatest love he had was for his family. You could just feel how much Doug and Polly loved each other. What a great pair. And their love shone its brightest as they walked Doug’s road of illness. How Polly did all she did is hard to comprehend even though we watched her do it. She cared for Doug and their boys with enormous patience and energy. When Doug needed something, Polly was there. When he needed to be pushed Polly was there. And Polly went through this not missing a beat with their 3 boys (who are full of life and run around like bugs on a hot rock, to quote Coach Tate), never failing to meet their needs. My parents and I have loved Polly for a long time but our respect and admiration of her has grown further than we ever imagined it could. She has been a perfect partner to Doug and an outstanding parent in the most difficult circumstances. And according to my parents, Polly’s most amazing and heroic feat during Doug’s illness was putting up with living with her in-laws for so many months over the past 2 ½ years. Of course, Polly would be the first to say that she couldn’t have done it without their support.
Speaking of the boys, Doug’s illness had been going on for so long that Drew, Grant and Ben hardly remember their dad not being sick. Although Doug did a great job of “being himself” for the boys there will be much about Doug they won’t experience. We would like you to help them know their dad. Katie Couric asked at her husband’s funeral if people would write a letter to their 3- and 6-year-old daughters with stories about their dad. Not necessarily some monumental things about their dad, but a personal story that would “tell” the kids something. She then kept the letters for 10 years and when the kids were old enough they sat down and read them. You didn’t think we could have a meeting like this with a bunch of educators here and not have a homework assignment, did you? So your assignment is this: If you have a memory or experience with Doug, would you please write it down and send it to the boys so when they get to the age of understanding…maybe ten years from now, Polly can share the letters and stories with the boys so they can have a sense of who their dad was and what people thought of him? We have envelopes and paper and request that you share this with the boys, and the due date is December 31, so don’t procrastinate, we don’t want to have to give detentions.
In closing, Polly wanted me to be sure that you all understand how overwhelming the support from you all has been, and how much she has appreciated it. And she told me that she doesn’t want us to forget him or not talk about him. Her words are “Please, please help us to remember Doug. I want to talk about him, and I want my boys to talk about him. Don’t worry that you’ll make us sad. Don’t worry that you’ll say the wrong thing. We want to remember him because the joy of knowing him far outweighs the pain of losing him.” I believe that Doug would want us today to perhaps miss him a little bit, but to take something positive from our experiences with him, have fond memories, and to choose to live our lives as fun, appreciative, fair, devoted, brave, and loving human beings. He would want us to take care of each other, and for all of us to be sure that we look after his family. So let’s honor him by not remembering him as “Doug the cancer patient,” but as “Doug the husband, father, brother, son, uncle, teacher, counselor, coach, colleague, and friend.”
Thank you.
